I haven’t posted in a while because lately, the whole purpose of this blog – organizing your life, having a clue about where you want to be – seemed to fade for me.
I realized that, at this moment, this perspective might be doing me more harm than good. Perhaps, for me, it’s time to organize less, and take up whatever happens.
It seems most of my life I’ve been making conscious, well-documented, well-reasoned choices for myself. I’ve been judging carefully how to act and how to position myself, and this judgment, somehow, permeated (or came from) the deeper crevices of my mind. Which means, I wasn’t only judging facts. I was also judging myself.
I’m not really sure where to go from here. It’s not simple to say “ok, now I’m going to stop being a control freak and just let go“. Because the tension will not disappear just by imagining it or willing it away.
Maybe it does, for some people…but for me, it will take more.
It’s a journey, and right now, I think I’m only at the start line.
Therefore, in the past few days I:
- expressed my point of view and asked for arguments from the other. This is especially difficult as, for someone who’s judging and reprimanding herself, it’s easier to shut up and fantasize about the other person realizing the terrible mistake they’ve done…and then being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. This type of person normally would go from disappointment to anger, and then point out bitterly to the other person how hurt they are.
- did not get annoyed at myself when something did not get done. I didn’t reschedule. It will be done when its time comes.
Most importantly, I started looking at other people differently. I realized that most of us have inner fights, and we tend to project on others the issues we have ourselves.
The harsher we behave on the outside, the more cruel we are to ourselves on the inside.
And most times, we’re not even aware – of either of these two bitter games.