A new vision on things – or, how I stopped organizing and loved the bomb

I haven’t posted in a while because lately, the whole purpose of this blog – organizing your life, having a clue about where you want to be – seemed to fade for me.

I realized that, at this moment, this perspective might be doing me more harm than good. Perhaps, for me, it’s time to organize less, and take up whatever happens.

It seems most of my life I’ve been making conscious, well-documented, well-reasoned choices for myself. I’ve been judging carefully how to act and how to position myself, and this judgment, somehow, permeated (or came from) the deeper crevices of my mind. Which means, I wasn’t only judging facts. I was also judging myself.

I’m not really sure where to go from here. It’s not simple to say “ok, now I’m going to stop being a control freak and just let go“. Because the tension will not disappear just by imagining it or willing it away.
Maybe it does, for some people…but for me, it will take more.
It’s a journey, and right now, I think I’m only at the start line.

Therefore, in the past few days I:

- expressed my point of view and asked for arguments from the other. This is especially difficult as, for someone who’s judging and reprimanding herself, it’s easier to shut up and fantasize about the other person realizing the terrible mistake they’ve done…and then being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. This type of person normally would go from disappointment to anger, and then point out bitterly to the other person how hurt they are.

- did not get annoyed at myself when something did not get done. I didn’t reschedule. It will be done when its time comes.

Most importantly, I started looking at other people differently. I realized that most of us have inner fights, and we tend to project on others the issues we have ourselves.

The harsher we behave on the outside, the more cruel we are to ourselves on the inside.

And most times, we’re not even aware – of either of these two bitter games.

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  • Kati
    January 21, 2013

    This really resonates with me: to go form a rational, goal oriented, KPI follower to a “just be” person is not easy and there are a lot of questions still coming up in my mind; and mostly because our society is teaching us that for success you need to establish your goals and work hard to achieve them. And still, the things are getting done much easier when you are going with the flow. So, how can it be? Which is the way to be successful?
    Keep us posted about your journey! and enjoy it! :)

  • Maria
    January 22, 2013

    I think the answer lies somewhere around “be true to yourself”. Perhaps my organized nature was somewhat self-imposed. “Society” is a big word, perhaps we can start with parents.
    If you feel right making to do lists and project plans, by all means, follow your mind.
    I wonder, right now, if for me, true nature lies somewhere else than in self organization and life planning.
    And since someone cannot propose to herself to be spontaneous :) I guess I’ll wait and see what happens.

  • Jean
    April 10, 2013

    I really feel what you are expressing. I am a similar personality type and have over the years had to gradually soften from my rigid stance. I see women now who are much older than me who still struggle with the same inflexibility that I had in elementary school.
    I think now while I organize, I am less interesting in “organizing” and moving more towards “order”, where to me harmony is implied and there is an ebb and flow without having to just “go with the flow “, which principle is against the very material of my being.
    My parents are vastly different from me even in base, core personality structure, although I see some similarities, so I think “Society” could be relevent in my case.
    Allow yourself something in your routine you can count on, and allow yourself the other side by accepting when things don’t go as planned. I am still moving towards that but I have seen nothing short of an amazing change in my fixed views, my anxiety levels and that softening in my need to control.

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